Love Languages

I had a very interesting discussion with a friend last night. He had asked me about my self esteem and we began searching for the cause of my constant low. When we came to the topic of romance, I flinched. Love is something that I want. I desire it. But I'm young, and I'm still trying to figure myself out. I don't think I'm ready for love. Is anyone ready for love? I don't think anyone can be ready...That's why we fall into it. It's a surprise. And I suppose I crave that love, that acceptance, from someone so much, that I get my hopes up every time. I make excuses to lower my standards, so that I will feel better about my relationships. In the end, I break my own heart. A while back, I read a book called "The 5 Love Languages". Basically, it points out that everyone speaks a different love language, or how they communicate their love, whether it be by gifts, acts of service, or words of affirmation. I've yet to be with someone that speaks mine. Though I don't want to give up. I know that sounds silly. I'm not looking for a relationship. I'm just looking for a friend. Someone that can make me feel loved. Though, after examining myself, I realize that one of my  biggest problems is, I don't love myself. That's the first step, isn't it?

Ordinary

I imagine this is the post where I should explain who I am. I wish I could. But in all honesty, I'm just another 17 year old girl, who's lost in a world that seems too busy to notice her. Or at least those are the feelings that fleet through me. I suppose you could say that none of us really know who we are. We know who we are to each other. Well, we at least think we do.

I don't know who I am. I know things about myself, what I like, what I don't like. But everyday I find something new about myself. Whether that's a good thing or a bad thing, I have yet to determine. I wish I could be one of those girls who can just type with ease when asked about who they are. I want to be able to say "Hi, my name is Mary. I am...", without pausing to think, "I am....what?". Am I just ordinary? Or is it because I am not an ordinary girl, that I cannot seem to grasp hold of who I am.

I do know facts about myself though. That's one thing I am certain of. I may not have an opinion of myself yet, but I have hard facts that I can later form an opinion from. Things such as I graduated high school when I was 16 years old. I've traveled all over Europe and the United States. Art is something that I have picked up multiple times throughout my childhood, yet never stuck to it. I have a cat named Figaro. She is black and white and looks exactly like Pinocchio's kitten. I cook and bake on a regular basis. I work at a retail store. I listen to all types of music. I've never fully mastered a skill, such as an instrument, or an art form. I've never stuck to a workout routine. I fear heights, spiders, and soggy food. I have reoccurring dreams. I've never had a successful relationship. I have very little self esteem. I don't know myself. You, however, already know me better than myself.

You see, life is boring if just stated as hard facts, without opinions. You naturally make opinions about everything. After reading facts about myself, you've made an opinion. Though I wish I could say I have one of myself, I don't. I have an abundance of other's opinions of me. Or, more accurately, my assumption of their opinions.

My goal is to be able to know myself. That's everyone's goal in life, isn't it? Finding yourself? I guess I'm ordinary after all.